Monday, 14 October 2013

It wasn't meant to be.........

Ok so today is 09/10/13. I right the date because I know it's going to be awhile before I post this publicly.
So today I began to have a miscarriage. Most of you will not of known I was even pregnant. I was 6wks today.
So I guess it was not meant to be and I guess we'll have our second wee midget when the time is right.
At present I'm a bit numb about it all. Today has not gone according to plan at all.
I was meant to work my only full day this week, come home and look after Miss Midget while Mr E worked tonight.
Obviously those plans are now out the window. Instead I was at White Cross at 10:45am and then at the Pathologist to get blood taken. I have a Doctors appointment tomorrow for blood tests results and a "where to from here" chat. I can see the rest of this week is going to be hell but it's just goes with my "I want a refund" post I think.

I'm not going to even try and fathom why people go through this. It's cruel and unfair. The only thing I can grasp is that baby you were obviously to perfect for this world and that you were needed in heaven instead of being with me and your daddy.

I wrote this poem a few years ago when a friend of mine went through this. 

Tears cannot express the sadness we go through knowing you're not here.
They say that god has a master plan and all I can think of it’s not fair.
Going through the pain and knowing I cannot hold you, it’s not fair.
They say try again. I don't want to, I want you more than they will ever know.
They say other things to try and make me feel better like what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
At the end of the day I know they mean well but I don't care, I want you.
God and life are not on our side this time it seems.
You were loved before your first breath and even more loved now even though we never got the chance to meet you.
Forever in our hearts, my little butterfly baby.

I write this post not looking for sympathy. I know I'm not the first or the last person to go through this. This is more for me to try and make sense of it all.
I know once the hormones settle down and things go back to normally I'll be fine and life will carry on.

14/10/13

Ok so I've been thinking and talking with a few people. It's only been a few days of healing and I know there will be lots more.
I'm still quite numb about the whole thing. I'm not sure how I feel. While I am sad I feel like I should feel worse. I haven't been the crying mess in the corner. I dunno. I have just been putting one foot in front of the other.
The people I have told so far have been wonderful (Not that I was expecting them not to be). Words of condolence have been spoken but right now I almost feel like a fraud due to the way I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, I appreciate all the kind words that have been given to me but it's like I don't deserve them because I'm not more emotional about this whole thing.

I'm not sure if you could class this as me dealing with it well or not dealing with it at all.
I'm in a bit of pain today. I was meant to go to work today but I think I did too much over the weekend so have been curled up with my book today. Miss Midget has gone out for the day and Mr E has gone fishing. I'm having some peace.

I kind of feel like I should be feeling more. I don't want to belittle anyone that has been through this or is going to go through this. I feel like I'm not feeling what I should which turns the guilt up even more.

Again this post is for me processing exactly what I'm feeling at the moment. Even seeing it on the screen isn't helping though. Will see. I'll put this post down to my own personal therapy. Chucking it out into the universe may help me process. 


Ok so now it's on with the positive. I will sort through this. I know there is no right or wrong way to feel and to grieve. I have a beautiful family whom I love more than anything and I have lots of people around me who make me smile constantly.
I'm making new friends through the book blog and I get to to talk books with like minded people which is always fun. 


I'll leave you with this, I posted it on my facebook the other day :).


4 comments:

  1. Hey sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear this! Sending lots of love to you, Mr E and Miss Midget, you're all in my thoughts.

    xxM

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  2. Oh hun... I had my second miscarriage this year, about four weeks ago. I can relate. I'm so so sorry. And don't panic or stress yourself overanalysing, your feelings will catch up to your brain at some point. For the moment, give yourself some TLC. I had my first miscarriage when we were trying for Ryan and I dealt with it by watching three seasons of The OC in four days. Whatever gets you through, ok? Big hugs!

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  3. I think you are feeling everything you should be and want to be... I personally have never had to go through this experience and once I joint coffee group was completely shocked at how many people do have to go through something like this! It just doesn't seem fair like you say and there probably aren't any other words to use. May the right time find you for a little Master Midget or Miss Midget Jr. Hugs!

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